Relationship Advice From Your “Big Sister” Part Three: Dealing With A Player


Dealing With A Player

We can all spot this guy from a mile away, right? He comes on strong with an over-confident, even cocky attitude, because he has had a lot of experience in this game, and has left a lot of women in his wake. 

Why is it so easy to spot him when he is hitting on one of our friends, and so difficult to see right through him when the object of his current attention is ourselves?

This is the guy who is looking for vulnerable and naïve women that are an easy target for fixing his own ego issues.  He is constantly vetting his prey.  To him, every woman is fair game, but he will gravitate to those who make themselves an “easy mark”.

He always makes the first move to talk to you, or to buy you a drink.  He is very smooth.  He is overly attentive.  He is the guy who uses excessive flattery and comes on too strong.  He is quick to use pet names for you, making it easier for him to not have to remember your name, or to mix you up with the myriads of other women that he is constantly approaching and/or scoring with.  You might feel special when he calls you “babe”, unless you find out that he calls every woman by that name.

His main goal is to sweep you off your feet, and he is a master manipulator, making you an easy target for his game plan. 

He is usually a really good looking guy.  He keeps himself in great physical shape and is living in his own self-centered world.  He is well-dressed, even when in jeans and a tee shirt, because he never knows when he might meet another potential conquest.  He is always the life of the party, and is well-skilled and well-practiced at his game.  His eyes and attention are constantly wandering around the room.  He has swag that just won’t quit, and you may find him “irresistible”. He is a smooth-talker.  He uses skilled flirtation to make sure every woman he meets remains a possibility.

He is a touchy-feely kind of guy.  His hugs last a bit longer than they should.  He massages your shoulders even though you have just barely met.  He takes liberties with familiarity.  He has a presence, and he wants to make sure you take notice.  His charisma abounds.

You will eventually come to find that he much prefers texting to talking to you on the phone.  He has actually saved general messages that he can cut and paste to your number-texts that have been successful for him in the past with other women.  He is sending texts to multiple women to see which one(s) will respond and take the bait. Think I am kidding?  Twice, I actually saw texts sent to women I knew, from the same man, on the same night that he also sent the same message to me. This is the guy who is out for a booty call, and he will keep trying until he finds a taker.  And he is not above contacting people that you know! What is up with that?  He obviously does not realize that women talk to each other and compare notes.

Have you ever noticed that he spends lengthy time in the bathroom?  That is his only opportunity to send texts to other women, so of course he is in there for a long time.  He is constantly looking for a new conquest and is not above ditching you if someone else suddenly makes themself available.

Furthermore, he never texts you unless he wants to see you. There is rarely a text to see how you are doing, or just to tell you that you are on his mind.  A good guy will stay in contact with you between dates, not make you feel bad by ignoring you when you are apart.

He will push for sex before you are ready and he will not react well to having to wait.  He is in it for the booty call and will quickly tire and move on if you don’t give him what he wants.  And guess what?  If you do give him what he wants, he will still move on because he gets high on the thrill of the chase.

Even though he has been overly attentive when you have been together, the player will not remember your conversations.  They were not important to him.  He is a mystery man, never giving you many details about his own life. 

He may only be available to you on certain nights of the week, and rarely on weekends.  You may begin to notice that most of your “dates” are not in public, and if you do happen to be in public together, there is never any public display of affection. 

He may cancel plans at the last minute.  Why?  Because something (or someone) “better” came up.  He may also be the guy who asks you out at the last minute, for the very same reason.

This is the guy that either claims to not like social media, or he is the guy that will not accept your “friend” request because he does not want you to see his profile or posts.  Just the thought of a “relationship status” will send him running.

He is very protective of his phone, and will never answer a call in your presence.  He tries to make this seem like he is doing this because he wants to give you his undivided attention.  Don’t fall for that. 

His actions and words don’t line up and you begin to get a nagging feeling in your gut that things are not as they seem.  Trust your intuition!  He is all smoke and mirrors.

If you try to confront him about his behavior, he will lie, change the subject, or try to blame you, or anyone else, for the problem at hand.  He will even accuse you of cheating on him.  It is the old bait and switch game.  This is crazy-making behavior.  Don’t get caught up in it.

What are some red flags to watch for?  How does he treat you in public?  Has he introduced you to any of his friends or his family? Is he interested in meeting your friends or family?  How does he treat other people? Is he interested in your life?  Does he keep you waiting?  Does he have frequent contact with his ex?  Do his actions and words line up?  Is his life a mystery to you?  Do all of your dates involve alcohol?  Does he spend money on you?  Is his idea of a great date just “Netflix and chill”?  Have you ever been to his home?  Can you call him at any time?

This is a man who seems initially to be “too good to be true”.  Yup-he is. He is actually hiding a low self-esteem and using power and control to nurture his own ego.  He is like an addict that needs a fix.  In fact, that is exactly who he is.  An addict.  He will do anything to get what he wants, and as soon as he gets it he is moving on to his next fix.

If you are involved with a man like this, get out fast! He can do unbelievable amounts of damage to your heart.  You will not be the one that can finally “change” him, and you do not want to end up with a man like this unless you want to spend the rest of your life being suspicious and not trusting him farther than you can see him.

You deserve so much better!

The only thing more difficult than getting out immediately, is waiting and adding more grief to an already dead situation.

Take care of your own heart first!  Like the instructions we receive on an airplane-put on your own oxygen mask before you attempt to help anyone else.  This man is not going to change.  You are not the only woman in his life, and most likely you are not even the most important woman in his life.  There, I said it. 

Now take a deep breath of that oxygen.  My next blog post will introduce you to another toxic personality:  The Misogynist.  When you begin to see the patterns in toxic behaviors, you will be much better prepared to not engage!

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