Relationship Advice From Your “Big Sister” Part Four: Recognizing A Misogynist


Recognizing A Misogynist

The Misogynist is much more difficult to spot.  He is the “stealth-bomber” of relationships. 

Like the Player, the Misogynist usually seeks you out and usually makes the first move.  Initially, you may not recognize any of his behaviors as being abnormal.  Pretty soon you will wonder if any of his behaviors are normal.

At the core of every misogynist is a man who does not like women, and may even despise them.  His hatred for women is deep-seated and very well hidden.  He may not even be aware that he hates women because his thoughts and behaviors toward women started very early in his life, usually stemming from a traumatic event.

He may have had a mother, a mother-figure, a sister, or a woman friend that he trusted, who betrayed him in some way.  The betrayal may have been in the form of lies, belittling, laughing at him, abusive or negligent behavior.  This woman clearly made him feel “not good enough”, and he is now ready to make sure that every woman is punished and can clearly see his superiority.  He is dead-set on proving women wrong.  He also needs to have large numbers of “conquests” to prove to the original “offender” that he is indeed “important” and “good enough”.

He is notoriously difficult to identify.  He is usually charismatic, and may even appear, on the surface, to be fond of women.  He may have even chosen a career in which he is surrounded by females.

Misogyny is a very dangerous form of narcissism and male aggression.  He seeks to have control by keeping a woman “in her place” and subordinate.  He blames women for his own lustful behaviors, thinking that women are the aggressors, the seductresses.  He thinks of them as prostitutes, whores.

Eventually, he may even ask you to become the aggressor or initiator of sex, so that he feels no guilt if he is cheating on someone else. He reasons that if he is not making the sexual advances, his cheating behavior is “not his fault”.  How could he possibly resist a woman who is “throwing herself at him”?

He may sexually objectify women by crude jokes, pornography, or simply by putting down her body.  He may demand sexual acts that you do not want to participate in.  He oftentimes will refuse to use any protection during sex.  He prefers the woman to perform oral sex on him, or to enter her from the rear so that he does not have to make eye contact with her.  He enjoys this subtle game of dominance.

He lacks the ability for self-denial, self-restraint, or delayed gratification.  It is all about him, all of the time.  His appetite will never be satisfied, because it is the sheer numbers of women that he can conquer that motivates him.

He may make plans with you to meet somewhere, keep you waiting, and then simply dismiss you and never show up.  He finds this amusing.

He believes in a man’s superiority over women, and will compete with other men for dominance.  He will not let a woman compete with him in sports, in the workplace, or anywhere else.

At first he may appear to be exciting, flirtatious and fun. You may let down your guard thinking he is a great guy.  Later on, his behavior may quickly change from exciting to rude, and then back to exciting again.  He demands loyalty, but does not expect to be loyal.  Every woman “deserves to be put in her place and punished”.

He is not a promise keeper.  He feels a woman is not worthy of promises.  He may deliberately treat you the exact opposite of how you want to be treated, especially if you have told him what you need.

He will cheat on his wife, or on any woman because he does not feel any woman worthy of monogamy.  He does not feel that he owes that level of commitment to anyone.

Oftentimes, a misogynist will choose a wife because of certain characteristics that she possesses.  These characteristics somehow will appear to make him or his position look better. She is looked upon as being “perfect”, but a closer look will reveal that his participation in the relationship is minimal.  He chose her, he married her, he is “nice” to her, he has provided a house for her, and pays her bills.  He does not feel that he owes her anything more, so it is OK for him to cheat with many other women. 

His wife usually knows the score.  Do not feel sorry for her.  She is choosing to stay with this man and blind herself to what is really happening.  More important, don’t become her.

Make no mistake about it.  Conscious or unconscious, this man is a woman-hater. He gets off on making a woman feel bad. It makes him feel powerful, and he will do it again and again.

You are in a potentially dangerous situation.  You may find yourself intimidated enough to go along with some of his behaviors or demands.  This may deescalate any immediate danger.  It is a great tactic in a self-defense situation, but should never become a way of life.  Unfortunately, going along with his demands may appear, to him, to be a warm-welcome for further abuse.

Get a handle on this guy quickly, and get out.  He is abusing you.  As a misogynist, he is dangerous, and he has no remorse.  He blames you and all women for his own broken and fragile ego.  He is not going to suddenly change.  You cannot change him.  Don’t even attempt to.  Just deescalate any abusive situation and run for the hills.  Do not have any further association with this man.  Delete his phone number from your phone, and do not take future calls from his number.  Make sure that you do not place yourself in danger by going places where he is known to hang out.  Your very life may be at stake.

This has nothing to do with you.  It is important that you see that you are not to blame for anything that he has imagined in his mind.  He is not emotionally healthy, and if you stick around, he will make you emotionally unhealthy, too.  You could be physically hurt, or worse.  A woman is no match for a man in a physical altercation.  Do not put yourself in that position.  Ever!

Continue to follow my blog.  The next entry will be about passive-aggression.


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