Relationship Advice From Your “Big Sister” Part Seven: The Momma’s Boy

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The Momma’s Boy

In this blog post, I will focus only on the male who is the Momma’s Boy.  His counterpart, the Daddy’s Girl, is a whole different “animal” whose focus is on manipulation and the goal of being spoiled and pampered. 

I can already anticipate your amazement that I would include the Momma’s Boy in a list of toxic relationship types.  The reasons may surprise you in the end, but first, let’s take a closer look at this guy.

You may have always thought that the way a guy treats his mother is a good indication of how he will treat you, but let me start out by saying that there are healthy mother/son relationships and there are very unhealthy mother/momma’s boy relationships, and the two are not similar.

This toxic boy/man is usually still young and immature.  He may be living at home.  He may want you to live with him at his mama’s house. (If so, what are you thinking?). He shows no indication of wanting to move out. Why would he?  His mama does everything for him.  She provides a place to live, food, laundry and maid services.  There is no incentive to become independent and grow up.

He may even still call her “mommy”.  He seeks her guidance for every little decision that he has to make.  She is his biggest fan, and his constant confidant. Think she does not know the intimate details of your relationship with her son?  Think again.

Trust that mommy has taken a close look at you, scrutinized your every movement, and has talked to him about you.  You will never be good enough for her son.  She needs his constant attention to feed her own ego, and you simply are getting in the way.  She not only needs to be number one in his life, she needs to be the only one.

Has he ever brought his mother along on a date?  If so, she will be the one sitting in the front seat, while you are forced into the back.

If you ever argue or disagree with him, she will be told every fact, and she will have vilified you and taken his side, making him feel so “understood”. Does he have sisters?  They may also get into the act because he confides in them as well.

How many times a day does this man contact his mother? Have you seen examples of how the two of them gossip with each other?

Does he have a tattoo dedicated to his mother?

If he doesn’t live at home, does he visit his mother when he needs to have his laundry done, or wants a good home-cooked meal?  His culinary skills probably only include the use of a microwave.

Does he continuously interact with his mother on social media?  Snapchatting with momma is an indication that his mother is not acting like a parent, and has become a peer.

Has he elevated his mother to saint status? Does she never do anything wrong? Do her opinions mean more than yours? Does she belittle you or take verbal jabs?

His immaturity is more apparent in her presence.  Does he seem to revert back to a child when she is around?  Does he ever speak like a child to her, or use a child’s voice?

Does his mother show up unannounced?  Does he care that this bothers you?  Do you have no privacy?  Is she nosey about your private business?  Does she always bring gifts of groceries or other items that he “needs”?

He can get his mother to do anything for him, or buy anything for him.  He is a master-manipulator, and this is where the danger for you begins.

Every man or woman likes to have a significant other who “validates” them.  In a healthy adult, this should not be mom. 

He wants you to be just like her in every way.  He wants a partner who is a mommy.  He wants to be pampered and cared for.  He is Peter Pan, refusing to grow up.

He often enjoys spanking, disciplining, or belittling in the bedroom.  This may be fun on occasion, but it becomes an all too frequent demand.

His mother will always be jealous of the time and attention that he is lavishing on you, and she will try to interfere at every step.

What you have not understood is that moms like this tend to be very needy.  They have often been a single parent, assigning the role of “husband” to the son, who must love her unconditionally.  A son can never leave his mother.  This makes it very difficult for him to commit to another woman.

When you have finally had enough, you will try to get him to start setting boundaries, and he will find this impossible to do.  Do not be the one to take on his mother.  This is a job that he needs to step up and take charge of.  Do not make him choose between the two of you, because the chances are strong that you will lose.

This is creepy behavior.  It is abnormal and dysfunctional.  He is a man who will always put himself first.  He feels entitled.  He has been up on a pedestal for so long that he cannot see that he does not belong there.  His belief that he is “all that” is covering deep-seated insecurity.

If you choose to marry this man, know that you are also inviting a third party into this marriage, because he is joined to his mama at the hip.  He will expect you to be like her, cook like her, clean like her, coddle him like her, and maybe even dress like her.  (Horrors).

The real danger lies in the fact that a man like this will always see a relationship with you as a betrayal of his mother.  He may not even be conscious of it.  His mother will recognize this and use guilt as her weapon of choice.

Mama’s boys who are really guilty, will often cheat on their significant other because subconsciously they “cannot be cheating on mama if they are cheating on the wife or girlfriend”.  How screwed up is that?

Often, mama’s-boys cannot find sexual pleasure with their mate, and can only find it through affairs.

A momma’s boy is someone who can be rehabilitated, but it is often with a long journey of professional counseling that is required. He may even have to cut contact with his mother for a significant amount of time in order to learn to set proper boundaries.

It is only when he can break this unnatural mother/son relationship that he can step up to a proper husband/wife relationship with you.

He is a man with severe relationship limitations. How much time and emotion are you willing to give to this relationship in order to see if it is the “real deal”?

Don’t you owe it to yourself to seek a man who will bring you an adult relationship in which you are his first priority? This is surely not the momma’s boy.

Continue to follow my blog, as I delve into how to break up with a narcissist.  It will be important to have a game plan!

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